as the light burst out of my empty room, and these eyes spot every mess spread out al over the tiny spaces between where i’m standing and where i sleep.
Always like this. for some reason, i smile to the mess i’ve made before i went out with the girls. A denim jacket i decide not to wear, and iron that stand still facing the wall, the towels i left un hanged and my unstructured pillow . it seems like i’m in love with the person who just done this mess and always wanted to help her out to to her life altogether. being all alone had taught me a lot of valuable lesson.
finally everything feels so not strange at all, finally i realize that what i feel is normal. have you ever feel that memories will last forever? you feel that a memories will stay forever.
i don’t know how many times i’ve ignored the thought of seeing you once again. the thought that all thing we did together is a big deal for you as big as it is for me. people said our story nothing compare to theirs. we didn’t kiss, we may not do what others do as a lovers, we’re not even a lover at the first place. . but i love us.
but isn’t that what makes us, “us” ?
those countless night we spent on rooftop talking, snacking, laughing. or how i sneaked out of my event’s evaluation just to see you and you’re waiting for 1 hour. those megawatt smile saying “I BRING YOU SOMETHING BETTER ” and it turns out as a melted ice cream and we watch our free firework show from the F&B department events that until now we have no idea what is. or every little stupid things you do like lying that you had something to buy something nearby my place just to walk me home, knowing how clumsy i am but keep telling me how you adore me and my personality. i know adore doesn’t mean love. but i love that words. you make it sounds really simple. you make love feel so simple, light and not heavy at all. not full of bullshit words i cannot believe. you know how to make me distinguish my Universal understandings of love, and a particular kind of love that i felt for you. you make my complex definition of love become so simple. and that’s how easy it is for me to say ‘i love you’ in a particular different way and i don’t even need to think about my dignity as woman, because i never met a man as respectful to woman as you. and no man will understand this. no man will ever know how to naturally be like you . only girl can “feel” it.
it’s crazy how you said it is nothing. it is unbelievable that you said i am no one. and it’s crazy how people think i’m insane to love you this much just because we don’t go through the same thing they gone through. i am scare of how bizarre our story is that i can never told it to anybody cause nobody will understand my way of loving someone. my way of kept that extraordinary memories and nobody will understand how amazing it feels to me. nobody will understand how i could feel loved in a very strange way. i told you so many times, I don’t need you. but i love you so goddamn much. i even dying to understand how my system works until i can decide that i love someone. nobody will know my struggle to figure out love. because every human being deserves love.
now when you declare that i am no more than friends for you what should i do? whom should i tell all this bizarre feeling of butterfly, flower and rainbow on those good old days? not only people will feel sorry because i look like a little girl who is a one sided lover and desperate woman longing for her imaginary man, but also they will think i am insane and its all a delusion. i started to believe them van . you told me not to listen to anyone who tell me what to do or who i supposed to be, but now i even doubt my sanity.
now, are you the definition of insanity ? or am i?