Dusty memories

as the light burst out of  my empty room, and these eyes spot every mess spread out al over the tiny spaces between where i’m standing and where i sleep.

Always like this. for some reason, i smile to the mess i’ve made before i went out with the girls. A denim jacket i decide not to wear, and iron that stand still facing the wall, the towels i left  un hanged and my unstructured pillow . it seems like i’m in love with the person who just done this mess and always wanted to help her out to to her life altogether. being all alone had taught me a lot of valuable lesson.

finally everything feels so not strange at all, finally i realize that what i feel is normal. have you ever feel that memories will last forever? you feel that a memories will stay forever.

i don’t know how many times i’ve ignored the thought of seeing you once again. the thought that all thing we did together is a big deal for you as big as it is for me. people said our story nothing compare to theirs. we didn’t kiss, we may not do what others do as a lovers, we’re not even a lover at the first place. . but i love us.

but isn’t that what makes us, “us” ?

those countless night we spent on rooftop talking, snacking, laughing. or how i sneaked out of my event’s evaluation just to see you and you’re waiting for 1 hour. those megawatt smile saying “I BRING YOU SOMETHING BETTER ” and it turns out as a melted ice cream and we watch our free firework show from the F&B department events that until now we have no idea what is. or every little stupid things you do like lying that you had something to buy something nearby my place just to walk me home, knowing how clumsy i am but keep telling  me how you adore me and my personality. i know adore doesn’t mean love. but i love that words. you make it sounds really simple. you make love feel so simple, light and not heavy at all. not full of bullshit words i cannot believe. you know how to make me distinguish my Universal understandings of love, and a particular kind of love that i felt for you. you make my complex definition of love become so simple. and that’s how easy it is for me to say ‘i love you’ in a particular different way and i don’t even need to think about my dignity as woman, because i never met a man as respectful to woman as you. and no man will understand this. no man will ever know how to naturally be like you . only girl can “feel” it.

it’s crazy how you said it is nothing. it is unbelievable that you said i am no one. and it’s crazy how people think i’m insane to love you this much just because we don’t go through the same thing they gone through. i am scare of how bizarre  our story is that i can never told it to anybody cause nobody will understand my way of loving someone. my way of kept that extraordinary memories and nobody will understand how amazing it feels to me. nobody will understand how i could feel loved in a very strange way. i told you so many times, I don’t need you. but i love you so goddamn much. i even  dying to understand how my system works until i can decide that i love someone. nobody will know my struggle to figure out love. because every human being deserves love.

now when you declare that i am no more than friends for you what should i do?  whom should i tell all this bizarre feeling of butterfly, flower and rainbow on those good old days? not only people will feel sorry because i look like a little girl who is a one sided lover and desperate woman longing for her imaginary man, but also they will think i am insane and its all a delusion. i started to believe them van . you told me not to listen to anyone who tell me what to do or who i supposed to be, but now i even doubt my sanity.

now, are you the definition of insanity ? or am i?

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just words

this has been the 3rd months of my last semester in this campus. i may be not as broken as before.. because i did it. i finally figured out what should i do and my research proposal had been approved and the data i needed so bad is already here. i work until i feel like my bone is about to break and i emotionally unstable.

although a bright days still feel so lonely and night feel darker during these period. i had some amazing people supporting me although they’re not physically appear..i know i can’t give up and i have reason to keep going on. but i have to admit that my soul never feel as lonely as this and i financially messed up .

living alone as a super broke final year college student doing her thesis probably the first real hardest thing in life i face and maybe in 3 or 5 years from now on i will face something even harder than this. problem is painfully never ends i realized..  cry once, or twice a day. no problem i let myself feel and give them time to know how hurtful life could be to be a better wise person in the future.

tonight i am about to watch a classical orchestra concert i really loved. i love instrumental music. my world is too terribly lonely but head is horribly noisy that i got headache every day.. and my shoulders are tired too for carrying a heavy book and laptop everywhere. i was thinking about sound of violin, flute, piano, and some ethnic instruments of the concert. but i was too careless that it sold out and i had to spend more time here inside my room. because i can’t think of anything better than that as my pain reliever.. maybe i’ll spend today  as  a rest day for my mind and shoulders. i’m lying, i cant think of any kind of other entertainment cause that’s the only thing i could afford.

as i staring at the ceiling, i wish go to sleep could be as easy as sleeping in class. but too bad it’s not. this is what i hate the most. my  brain become too noisy when i try to sleep.. i started to think about how not everything goes as planned what a failure i am. i’m living every single day and have noo idea how much i’m saying “im fine.. i’m okay or be the biggest hypocrite by telling others to not giving up while half of myself can’t stop questioning what actually happened to me?

i really push as hard as i can with all the energy i had all pieces of motivation i have. every single person had ever disappoint me, the one who trash me and throw me into a garbage.  the one who makes me feel most alive.  i am afraid to contact anyone because i am in the most selfish mode that when i started talking all i want is to cry and whining about everything. i am afraid making someone who already away will walk even farther although i know they didn’t care no matter how close they are from me. all i heard is ” it’s nothing, i’ve been there too” how to said that i never feel more alone. people said i am craving for love? no. i miss doing things i am good at, be in environment where i am matters, where people smiling at me or just hug me soo long when i cried, caress my head and continue strengthening their hands all around my body. i am dying for that.

everybody leaves when i am in position when i need them the most. what is so wrong about me?

should i just keep being the smiley face the wanted and not allowed to be in the lowest position im in? should i keep being the great risma and excellent student who wins everything? i told them, screaming at them “i am not” i am human who also had no idea what to do with my life. yes i have dreams i have ambition that haunts me everyday.

what if i didnt made it? what if i can’t do it? what should i do? what about my only brother. he needs me more that he realized. half of his future are in my hands and on my shoulders. if i ruining myself, i ruining his life. if my future is broken, he will had no future. i am scared to death.. too scare.

 

 

 

 

today.

why is this so hard?

i’m going through the roughest time of my entire life. i’m sorry for those who says their problem is worse but i am completely not okay. it’s not that i feel ungrateful.. but i will just going to turn 22 and i am walking as if my face almost touch the ground for all the burdened i had in my back . almost crawling . i’m losing grip, but i don’t want to crawl. i want to walk with my 2 feet. My spine tying its best to hold my body not to falling and my face not smash the ground or bleeding. this just like another episode of my worst misery.

there isn’t anything else i think about but ” i want to go home, i want to be alone” i feel like i want to push everyone apart but i know i love them very very much and i don’t want them to see me. to see how miserable is my life and how this girl they’ve been proud of now becoming no more than a piece of garbage who don’t even know how to spend night without crying . i want to hide. i want to go somewhere really far away, change my name, my face, and start a new life as someone else. i want to leave this pathetic image of myself alone.

nothing is right . when someone ask me what’s wrong, i’m gonna answer “TOO MUCH! TOO DAMN MUCH!” My life, my money, my future, my love life, my brain, my focus, my health, my family, my friendship, my faith, my appearance, my support system. i am scared to death just imagining how i’m gonna starting my real life after college. am i really qualified? am i really deserve to be success? am i the one? am i different? what can i do? and what have i done?  how would people treat me? how should i treat people? should i make them happy or just do what make myself happy?”

 

 

silent conversation

 

5.20 pm, inside the overly packed morning train 

i can’t break the stares.

a smile to my reflection

i could clearly hear

a shout said “you again!”

“i know that shirt, well  that shoes now start to gets dirtier” 

a lifting eyebrow and teasing smile said “don’t stare at me through reflection. turn your back” 

i look down and laugh. “No, however we don’t know each other”

i see his reflection smile and rest his back on the close train door.

he close his eyes, still smiling.

Rumbling train

silent crowd

a situation i cannot understand

but still part of the day i would’ve loved

 

time can count the words we’re sharing

but not the seconds of smile and staring

and the moment we face to face

eye to eye

wrist to wrist

chest to chest

they are countless.

this is a perfect mess i couldn’t careles.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Before sunrise 

5.10 . I used to be here. Before sunrise.

Yes , here.

In the small crowd of people who waiting for the cheapest way to bring them to the capital city of this huge country. Wearing backpack on the front side because we have too less to be stolen. We won’t let that happen. Yes they’re stuff is under thier supervision, however they soul are stolen. They’re mind are probably in a place more beautiful than here in a time more beautiful than now. Some people patiently waiting and ignore all the sleepiness because he thought about a beautiful house, or maybe they lover. I can 100% guaranteed their soul is somewhere else. Because my soul is really still sleeping on my bedroom, wish to wake up to a relaxing morning for a good breakfast .

But here i am. 5. 20 before sunrise.

A big blue mega bus appear as a subtitute for our sunrise. Every body fast and hopelessly walking inside wishing there are still some seat for them to at least rest their back although they know. Here.. the chances are 1% . Really small. We stand. We always stand . And if you are really sensible which i’m grateful enough to be, the chances to get a seat is less than that. You need miracle. You always see someone worth the  seat more than you do. So you give up and no longer interested to sit down . Imot a carer woman. I do this for the sake of my education. This is the 3rd week of my internship in jakarta. There are still 6 weeks to go. I still need to find a way to get along with all these people and their empty stares Yet their hopeless expression every.single.day .. we all do this for various reason but one thing in common. We can’t afford the Jakarta renting house price . It just too crazily expenssive . Cause no one her can survive without air conditoner .

6.30 i arrived. Sun is rise. But nobody cares.

We enter the supercold building. People dress really well and i arrive 1.30 hours earlier.  I can’t stand the traffic jam that will soon happen just right 1 minutes later . I shiver in the middle of hottest city i ever lived in . This artificial coldness is mad.
Well i don’t know what else i could do ater i finish my intern but I want to feel alive before sunrise.

Unfortunately, i know 

Unfortunately, i know how to detect an unsincere “how are you?” An empty words from person who doesn’t really need an answer. They just wanted to pass you by

Unfortunately, i answer it like you mean it.  I tell you what really goes on in my life , what i felt and how my day. Just in case i was wrong. Cause that’s what i deeply wished. I wish my instinc are wrong.  

That makes me looks pathetic rigth? But i never be a cold person. I never be able to. 

Im a long texter. I care about a story and experience that someone had been through. Because every people had different experience you never know maybe could happen to you sometimes. That’s why i listen and give a feedback.

Unfortunately, i know if someone doubted me . When they don’t really believe of what i am saying even if i get it from a good source. I am addicted to fact. But not all people love facts . That’s why pretend not to knowing is the best solution. Stop arguing a serious things to be discussed because you know they don’t care about it and people will continue to believe what they believe. Just like me. That’s where i learn how to adjust conversation according to the individuals. 

Unfortunately , i know when a people i cared about isn’t considered that i deserve to be something they cared about. But being careless will be even worse. That’s why i don’t stop. I believe that if i care about someone, it’s all about following your heart to do what your heart wants you to do for them . You can’t deny when you really care . At least, i can’t . Because once i care, i do care.. feedback doesn’t change anything about how i feel about it. Maybe, they too i’m just not on their list.

Unfortuntely, I look innocent because i know how cruel the reality is. I know that someone won’t love me back just in a second after i tried to get close to them, i know people won’t care when i tell them my struggle, i know people won’t still appreciate how i spare my time just to spend day with them. Pretending im not busy.  So, i close my eyes and ears and ignored about all the things and decide not to change. And stay the way i am. I will still be a long texter, i will still be the one who invites , the one who asking and listen, the one who not only answer, but tell and explain. I will always be that girl, who let people coming in and out of my life for the certain times. Because i know everything is temporary.. so i try to give it my best while they still have time to stay in my life before they wanted to leave so i can hold the door open, and let them leave with a warm hug and smile because i had been a good host fam while they’re in. 🙂 


anyway

to a fresh graduate who always makes me smile :  

you are selfish, dignified, and illogical

you try hard to be masculine, a fighter, a Gentleman

you can’t stand injustice, and hurting  a woman or see woman’s tears

you know how to  save money, arranging your life and be a good student

You said you’re a barbaric, stubborn, and rude

 

you know?

i’m happy for you anyway

you still the only one anyway

you make me proud anyway

you’re  gonna be a chef anyway

to a fresh graduate who always makes me smile :  

there will be people  as selfish as you

learn to give in, sometimes, there are a battle that aren’t worth the fight

you are the winner anyway

there will be a man who taught you to be ‘more manly’

learn to keep your own version because  masculinity can’t be measure

you already a gentlemen anyway

there will be a time something you need is REALLY expenssive

learn to accept that you work to fulfill your needs, not to collect money

you’ll earn the money again anyway

there will be a moment you treat people bad and it bugs you

learn to forgive yourself and remember you owe them an apology

you don’t live for them anyway.

 

Happy Graduation 🙂